Sunday, October 31, 2010


 Some of the smartest dummies
Can’t read the language of Egyptian mummies
An’ a fly go a moon
And can’t find food for the starving tummies

Pay no mind to the youths
Cause it’s not like the future depends on it
But save the animals in the zoo
Cause the chimpanzee dem a make big money
This is how the media pillages
On the TV the picture is
Savages in villages
And the scientist still can’t explain the pyramids, huh
Evangelists making a living on the videos of ribs of the little kids
Stereotyping the image of the images
And this is what the image is
You buy a khaki pants
And all of a sudden you say a Indiana Jones
An’ a thief out gold and thief out the scrolls and even the buried bones
Some of the worst paparazzis I’ve ever seen and I ever known
Put the worst on display so the world can see
And that’s all they will ever show
So the ones in the west
Will never move east
And feel like they could be at home
Dem get tricked by the beast
But a where dem ago flee when the monster is fully grown?
Solomonic linage whe dem still can’t defeat and them coulda never clone
My spiritual DNA that print in my soul and I will forever Own Lord

- from Patience by Nas & Damian Marley

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Awkward Moments Concerning Scarfs

This picture represents one of the most awkward and wierd (even humiliating) situations I've ever experienced. 

For many years, my favourite garment has been the scarf. I usually wear it wrapped around my head, partly or fully covering my hair. It has no religious significance for me and I only wear it because it's comfortable and nice. My favourite wrap is what I suppose is most common in Africa and I like it in strong colours matched with big ear rings.

On this occation, I was in a shopping mall in Dubai. UAE is a pretty conservative country, where most muslim women wear veils and cover most parts of their body. My head wrap had started to slide back, so I went to the ladie's room to tie it up. All was well until two typical Dubai women (who must have been sisters), dressed in long flowing black garments covering everything except their faces, entered the room and went to fix their veils on each side of me in front of the mirror. I gave them a greeting smile but got none in return, only a raised eyebrow.

Now, covering your hair is a norm for muslim women in Dubai, and fixing your veil once in a while is a necessity. But since covering your hair is considered a part of Islam, I suppose the two women thought I was a proper wierdo for first of all being an obvious westerner and second of all wearing a head wrap. The situation that arose is very hard to discribe, but the two women on either side of me were glancing at each other and at me, then back to each other and frowned. This lasted for a couple of minutes, but it felt like a forever. I was being looked down at and got the feeling that I, as a stupid westerner, had no right in wearing a scarf for whatever reason. It was all very very uncomfortable and I mustered all my strength to not give up my attempt with fixing the scarf and run out of the ladie's room - and so letting them win. I took my time, did my best to ignore their disparaging looks and then left the room calmly (I hope).

Afterwards I can see the comic parts of the situation and try to gather some kind of wisdom from it. It taught  me how important it is not to judge other people; not based on their looks, past or anything at all. Judging is not my task. It also taught me not to be affected by other people's judgement (although I still find that very hard). I did, after all, follow the clothing norm in Dubai. My hair was covered, although for different reasons than most other women in the city. It doesn't matter. No one should be looked down at based on their looks, where they come from or what language they speak.

Friday, October 22, 2010

The Secret of Bliss

It took me two days before I could start to write this. Two days of an unimaginable storm of emotions rushing through me, messing up all rational thinking and still letting me see clearly for a long long time. I have sought the source of happiness for most of my adult life, searching for that one thing that will allow me to feel bliss. I had no luck, until two days ago.

Linda called me, after what seemed like forever. I had been waiting impatiantly all day. We knew there would be news from the children's hospital in Göteborg about Jamie's cancer; either the tumour had shrunk in a satisfying way allowing a surgery, or more cytotoxin would be required. This is what happened:

Me: Did they call? What did they say??
Linda: Well, there is one good news...
Me: Tell me! What is it?!
Linda: At least there won't be any more cytotoxin!
Me: Wohoooo! That's wonderful! So when is the surgery?!
Linda: Well... there won't be a surgery either...
Me: What do you mean?
Now I was thinking the worst. Is there nothing else they can do for him? Is this it?
Linda: He doesn't need it, the tumour isn't a threat anymore!

When the information started to sink in, I started to cry. An erruption of pure happiness and relief just surged through me. I've never in my whole life felt anything like this. It's a bloody miracle! Jamie doesn't have cancer anymore! I thought I had my priorities in life, and I thought that happiness was something that occured to the individual, something that had to do with your ego. But no, bliss is found in the caring of others, nothing less. I cried of happiness that whole day; for Jamie that will have a life, a future. For Linda, who no longer will suffer from the angst and worry of loosing her child and to see him suffer. For Jamie's brothers, who will have their baby brother to tease and to play with. For the whole family, that no longer need to imagine a future without the baby, and for all friends, who have prayed, hoped and crossed their fingers.

So many people have followed this baby's struggles through cancer and in their best ways supported his mother, kept her strong, made her not give up. I think it's the power of all these people, who made this miracle happen.

From now on, my previous worries are nothing. I no longer care about ignorant people acting out of jealousy, of bad things being said about me. I don't care about money or other material things. All that are just trifles and not worthy my energy. What I do care for, is my family and friends. They are what make me happy and keeps me going, and I will do anything that is in my power to make them feel what I feel right now. Nothing is more important than that.

So, to all my friends and family: I love you!
And to my foes: Fuck off.

The picture is borrowed from Souls Talking Brain.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Good old Slander

So today mum showed me something interesting. I must be quite something if someone puts so much energy into despising me and letting everyone know it. Lies are easily spread and easily forgotten, but the dirt you get on your hands while spreading them will not go away for a very long time and it will be that that people will first notice about you.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Endless Waiting

Cover of Moby's album "wait for me."
This past couple of months have been nothing but an endless waiting; from important information about a baby with cancer to a decicion from CSN about my student's loan and everything in between. I can be patient about many things, and God knows I have been. But of lately, it's been more and more difficult with all this waiting. Maybe it's because the things are just building up into a sticky pile of foul smelling mud. I'm way too sensitive to anything emotionally or personally stressful at the moment. I feel like I'm walking on shattered glass, flinching every time the phone or door bell rings.

I'm trying to bury my head in the sand and ignore all the irrational emotions disabling me. I do it with my head deep in books or my eyes staring at the screen where some B-movie is playing. I'm trying to think ahead, of all the things I'll be able to do when all this is over, when things are solved, forgotten, left behind. But I have noticed that if I let myself think at all, then the thoughts are automatically drawn in the wrong direction. My head is like a magnet to stress. I take the edge off by drinking camomile tea. I wonder if it's possible to consume too much of it? I hope not.

Well, good news is that CSN called a few days ago saying that if I can get my doctor to add something to the medical certificate (explaining why I couldn't fulfil my studies last semester) then I'll have my money soon. So now I'm waiting for my doctor to send that additional letter to me. Maybe tomorrow. I also got an email from my student councellor saying that I can switch the courses I'm currently on and still be eligible for the bachelor course next semester. That's great news. I registered on a couple of courses within the field of pedagogy and are now waiting to get admitted.

We're hoping to get information from the child hospital in Göteborg today about Jamie's tumour. If it shrunk enough since last cytotoxin treatment, then he will hopefully have his surgery soon. How great would it be to get rid of that small but devastating lump on his back once and for all! It's strange, that something so small can cause so much trouble and pain, not only for the baby but for everyone around him and his family. Child cancer is a mean thing, it tears people's lives up. Please contribute to the research by learning more about the disease, becoming a member or donate to the Child Cancer Fund (Swedish). All this can be done here.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Freedom of Expression

My version of censorship.
"If we don't believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don't believe in it at all."
Noam Chomsky

If my blog makes you upset, for whatever reason, then I advice you to stop reading it. This is where I express my personal thoughts, opinions and feelings and if you feel designated by my words, then it's up to you to deal with. I write about subjects that I care for and I don't mention any names unless they are used in a positive sense. I will not be censured or silenced. Use your free will to choose what you want to read, and leave  behind what you don't want to hear.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Can't Buy Him Love

"Bring it!"

I know desperation when I see it, because I've been there myself and therefore have some understanding of what one is willing to do for the sake of getting or keeping what you most desire. But there are limits. I have kept quiet for a while now, been patient and waited things out so that problems could be solved without me interfering, but when you target my family (who have nothing what so ever to do with your problems) then I have to speak up.

And contacting my ex boyfriend? Give me a break.

Life is strange. The roads you walk can take sudden turns, sometimes you end up in a cul-de-sac. Sometimes you get lost. I dare say that I was walking the wrong road for a long time and finally made it back to the main road. It wasn't planned - none of this was planned and I'm sorry that it had to affect others, but that's life. Shit happens, sometimes by your own hand. I believe this is what happened in this case, but I'm not going to point any fingers. All concerned will know their own mistakes and faults, including me.

I'm not a material girl, and I don't believe that  money or anything material can buy a person's happiness. Most of us are grown ups, who of course help each other when possible. I don't make important decisions for the sake of money and expect it to make me happy, or even loved. The people I care about have about the same attitude and I know that I will never have to prove my affection to them by providing money or material things when they are fully capable of taking care of themselves. I expect to be treated the same way. 

Some things are meant to be, some things aren't.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Good News vs. Police Razzia

The bump on Jamie's back turned out to be an enlarged muscle, thank goodness. We're all so relieved and sort of in a shock. Although most of us were more or less sure that it wasn't another tumour, the worries was still there and the good news was like putting the air out of a huge balloon about to explode. I can't even express what I feel right now. Sure, he's still not eating enough, but he's so much better than last week, and with the good news all the hopes we all had gathered are back. I have no doubt what so ever that there soon will be a surgery to remove the foul tumour once and for all and that Jamie will get fully recovered and live the happy life he so much deserves.

I'm staying with Linda and her beautiful kids since they got back from the MRI. Last night I shared bedroom with Jamie and I can now stop worrying that I wouldn't wake up when I'm sleeping in the same room as a baby. I woke up every time he moved or sighed or when he dropped his dummy. It was definitely good training for future happenings!

And now to the happening of the day. Me, Linda and Sara were out running a few errands and were on our way back. Linda was driving her car with Jamie in the front and me, Sara and baby Nova in the back. We were 100 m from the house when suddenly we saw the characteristic blinking blue lights in an under cover police car behind us. Linda stopped and out marched two officers asking for her driving's licence. She got to blow in this alcohol reading device. All was in order, until one of the officers said no to let us go. Suddenly another police car showed up and in a few seconds we had officers blocking all of the car doors, refusing to let any of us out, including Sara with her screaming baby who was really really hungry.

They said they suspected that Linda was affected by some drugs (?!) and asked her to step out and get in their car to do an eye test. Poor, poor Linda who has had enough for years to come was about to burst, just as me and Sara who sat helpless and locked in in the back of the car, forbidden to touch our phones or even close the doors to avoid the babies to freeze. Naturally Linda was allowed to go.

I have never experienced such social incompetence in the Swedish police force. They claimed it was a "routine control". Do they have it as a routine to be SO unpleasant and rude too? They had no reason what so ever to put Linda, or anyone for that matter, in a position like that, making her and the rest of us feel guilty for something we didn't do. To put someone through that, they need an underlying reason - something that they didn't have. I know that I can't properly describe the situation in words. Let's just say that no professional should act the way they did. Two babies were crying their lungs out and they couldn't even let one of the mothers stand outside the car OR close the doors so that they wouldn't freeze. What did they think; that we would pick out our automatics and start shooting? Or that we would pick up the babies and run into the bushes?

It was shameful, the way they acted. All the neighbors were watching through the windows, embarrassing all of us. What must they think now? I hope that the responsible officers will understand that they acted completely unprofessional and rude. Be sure that I will do my best to make that happen. This is not what it should be like in Sweden (or anywhere else for that matter).

Saturday, October 9, 2010

The Bubble Burst

I slept last night; 10 hours of well needed sleep to gather my strenght before I headed back to the hospital. Mum is spending the night there instead of me and I'm at home with my darling sister Sara and mini brother Anton. I went to the hospital with my nan and aunt. Linda seemed a little bit more spirited than yesterday, not much, but a little bit. That's a start. Jamie was ok too, he's snotty and isn't eating or drinking well, but he was in a good mood and made everyone around him smile. He got extra fluid through IV and mum is taking good care of him.

So I got home, and something I have said would happen, really happened. It's not a good thing, not at all. I've been nagging and moaning about this for the past few weeks, but I've been pretty much powerless in this, as I am in so many things around me right now. But today my bubble burst and I had enough. Let things turn out as they may from now on, I've done my part, nothing more I can do.

I'm shaking with anger and angst (I had to type that sentence three times to get it right). This is coming to an end tonight, either with or without my hand.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Dealing With a Crisis at the Child Ward

Darling Jamie

 This day is coming to an end. This morning Jamie was drowsier than he has been for the last few days. He has hardly eaten and have been sleeping a lot. When Linda had taken the elder sons to kindergarden and school, she broke. All the strength she had just left her as soon as she got back and there was nothing I could do to put the strength back into her. Mum came, and the four of us went to the hospital, where we made the staff understand that this isn't working anymore. They got a room in the child ward and will most likely stay there until it's time for the MRI on Tuesday. Mum is spending the night with them, and tomorrow I'll take over. I needed a night away, not for selfish reasons but because I need to gather the strength it takes to be the support that she needs and at the same time take care of Jamie. It's not good enough to drive myself to a point when I can't be of any help at all. Better to take a break, breathe, rest and get back with renewed strength.

The medical examination went well. His blood values were better than last time they checked and he had gained weight. The bumb on his back had not changed and he responded well when checking for reflexes and the strength in his legs. All looks good, and we're all keeping our many fingers crossed that the bump is nothing but an enlarged muscle that have compensated for the other side of his back, where the original tumour is. He's been lively and in a good mood all day and neither me nor the hospital staff is particulary worried about him at the moment. The real anxiety and worries lies with Linda. I so wish I could lighten her burden.

Me and mum have take turns in taking care of Jamie and Linda. There's not much you can do, other than stroke her hair, come up with stupid conversations to keep her from thinking too much and get her coffee. I wish there was more. I wish God would show himself and his mercy now. What God would let a child and his mother suffer like this?

You are not alone Linda, and never will be. When you break, we will pick up your pieces, glue them together and take over everything until the glue has dried. We're here for you; me, Sara (you're an amazing friend to Linda and the whole family is greatful for the support you give her) and every other family and friend around you. And you will see, soon all this is over, and you can start living your life again with all three of your boys.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Child Cancer

Does this baby look like he has cancer?

Second day at Linda's place. There's been visits to the hospital with baby Jamie every day and will continue like that until Tuesday when the MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) is in Göteborg. It will be a few very long days of anxious waiting for Linda and everyone else involved. I wish there was more I could do to lighten the burden for her, to carry some of her pain.

I'm not very good at comforting, especially when there isn't much I can say or do to comfort. Her child has cancer and is under treatment. The doctors have high hopes for him to be fully recovered, but of course darling Linda is going through hell until the good news reach her. I wish I could speed up time for her and Jamie. At least he's young enough to not have any memory of all the horrible treatments, but the rest will have to deal with the trauma they're going through right now.

If I was a telepath I would transfer hope and happy thoughts into her head, make her understand that everything will be ok. He will get fully recovered, and have a long long life full off happiness, love and wonderful experiences. I know if from the deepest parts of my heart and soul.

Linda, my dearest, beautiful, darling sister; I love you from the bottom of my heart, and I will always be there for you, whenever and however. I know I'm not always the great support that you need, but I assure you that I'm doing my very very best. Again, I love you!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

SD Uncovered

During the inauguration church service for the new Swedish Parliament, Sweden Democrats (SD) chose to leave when the bishop Eva Brunne (the first openly lesbian bishop in Sweden) in her sermon said that:

Last night thousands of people in Stockholm and in different part of the country gathered to manifest themselves. Shout out their abhorrence for that that makes a difference between people. That racism that says that you are not as much worth as me. You shall not have the same rights as me. You are not worthy of a life in freedom. And this of a single reason - that we happen to be born in different parts of the world. It is not worthy of a democracy as ours to make a difference between people. It is not possible for a person of faith to make a difference between people. It is not worthy people to make a difference between people. Here, it is not enough to give a few hundered people mandate to our cause. Here, we have a common commission. And if somebody silence or gets silenced in the fight for human value, we have to make sure that also the stones will shout. We do it with the help of God.

I thought it would take more than a day in the Parliament for SD to reveal their true identity, but I guess it's good that it happened sooner rather than later. A political party that has persisted on not being racists and hostile towards foreigners chose to leave the bishop's sermon (in the presence of the king, whom they wanted to honour) because she spoke of equality and anti-racism. They claim to be "deeply insulted" because they felt that the speach was aimed at them and therefore left the church in protest. Clever. I cannot think of a more obvious proof of the politics SD want to introduce into our society - a society that is rich because of our immigrants. If SD truly aren't racists, why walk out on a speach about anti-racism?

The reaction amongst other sermon participants were colourful to say the least.

KD:s party leader Göran Hägglund: "It's very unsuitable to do that. What the bishop was talking about was equality between all people and to break up and march out in protest like they did, shows their basic outlook."

M:s parliamental group leader Anna Kinberg Batra: "If you get that provoked when someone talks about equality between all people that they get up and leave, then you clearly show that you're an extreme party."
MP:s mouthpiece Maria Wetterstrand: "The feeling was that they marched out of church as if they were an army. It was like when Iran is provoked in the UN and walk out."

Saturday, October 2, 2010

The Plot is Thickening

Strokkur on Iceland

I have a tendency to get in the middle of the most dramatic intrigues, more similar to a soap opera than real life. It would be foolish of me to think that my life would remain calm for a more than a week or two. The illusionary peace I from time to time experience makes me equally surprised and cautious. Surprised because it happens rarely and cautious because the calm usually is a sign of an approaching storm. Things that don't happen to normal people surely happens to me. Why that is, I have no idea. I definitely don't seek out drama, although I have to admit that in some cases my choices have lead me to it. Like going to Sudan of all places. Maybe you should expect that making such a choice will lead to kidnappings, a bugged phone and persecutions from the security police. I should have expected that my passport would get stolen by a police man, that I would have to bribe the right people just to get out of the country. I should have known.

I should have expected to get mysteriously ill from something that the doctors are clueless about, that family members would try to commit suicide a number of times, that they would nearly get killed in assaults and car crashes, get cancer, be alcoholics and that I would loose my friends, fall in love. How could I not have known? Maybe I should take the "hope for the best, expect the worst" more literally from now on.

The picture of the geysir Strokkur on Iceland is borrowed from