The Secret of Bliss

It took me two days before I could start to write this. Two days of an unimaginable storm of emotions rushing through me, messing up all rational thinking and still letting me see clearly for a long long time. I have sought the source of happiness for most of my adult life, searching for that one thing that will allow me to feel bliss. I had no luck, until two days ago.

Linda called me, after what seemed like forever. I had been waiting impatiantly all day. We knew there would be news from the children's hospital in Göteborg about Jamie's cancer; either the tumour had shrunk in a satisfying way allowing a surgery, or more cytotoxin would be required. This is what happened:

Me: Did they call? What did they say??

Linda: Well, there is one good news...

Me: Tell me! What is it?!

Linda: At least there won't be any more cytotoxin!

Me: Wohoooo! That's wonderful! So when is the surgery?!

Linda: Well... there won't be a surgery either...

Silence.

Me: What do you mean?

Now I was thinking the worst. Is there nothing else they can do for him? Is this it?

Linda: He doesn't need it, the tumour isn't a threat anymore!

When the information started to sink in, I started to cry. An erruption of pure happiness and relief just surged through me. I've never in my whole life felt anything like this. It's a bloody miracle! Jamie doesn't have cancer anymore! I thought I had my priorities in life, and I thought that happiness was something that occured to the individual, something that had to do with your ego. But no, bliss is found in the caring of others, nothing less. I cried of happiness that whole day; for Jamie that will have a life, a future. For Linda, who no longer will suffer from the angst and worry of loosing her child and to see him suffer. For Jamie's brothers, who will have their baby brother to tease and to play with. For the whole family, that no longer need to imagine a future without the baby, and for all friends, who have prayed, hoped and crossed their fingers.

So many people have followed this baby's struggles through cancer and in their best ways supported his mother, kept her strong, made her not give up. I think it's the power of all these people, who made this miracle happen.

From now on, my previous worries are nothing. I no longer care about ignorant people acting out of jealousy, of bad things being said about me. I don't care about money or other material things. All that are just trifles and not worthy my energy. What I do care for, is my family and friends. They are what make me happy and keeps me going, and I will do anything that is in my power to make them feel what I feel right now. Nothing is more important than that.

So, to all my friends and family: I love you!

And to my foes: Fuck off.

The picture is borrowed from Souls Talking Brain.

Endless Waiting

Cover of Moby's album "wait for me."

This past couple of months have been nothing but an endless waiting; from important information about a baby with cancer to a decicion from CSN about my student's loan and everything in between. I can be patient about many things, and God knows I have been. But of lately, it's been more and more difficult with all this waiting. Maybe it's because the things are just building up into a sticky pile of foul smelling mud. I'm way too sensitive to anything emotionally or personally stressful at the moment. I feel like I'm walking on shattered glass, flinching every time the phone or door bell rings.

I'm trying to bury my head in the sand and ignore all the irrational emotions disabling me. I do it with my head deep in books or my eyes staring at the screen where some B-movie is playing. I'm trying to think ahead, of all the things I'll be able to do when all this is over, when things are solved, forgotten, left behind. But I have noticed that if I let myself think at all, then the thoughts are automatically drawn in the wrong direction. My head is like a magnet to stress. I take the edge off by drinking camomile tea. I wonder if it's possible to consume too much of it? I hope not.

Well, good news is that CSN called a few days ago saying that if I can get my doctor to add something to the medical certificate (explaining why I couldn't fulfil my studies last semester) then I'll have my money soon. So now I'm waiting for my doctor to send that additional letter to me. Maybe tomorrow. I also got an email from my student councellor saying that I can switch the courses I'm currently on and still be eligible for the bachelor course next semester. That's great news. I registered on a couple of courses within the field of pedagogy and are now waiting to get admitted.

We're hoping to get information from the child hospital in Göteborg today about Jamie's tumour. If it shrunk enough since last cytotoxin treatment, then he will hopefully have his surgery soon. How great would it be to get rid of that small but devastating lump on his back once and for all! It's strange, that something so small can cause so much trouble and pain, not only for the baby but for everyone around him and his family. Child cancer is a mean thing, it tears people's lives up. Please contribute to the research by learning more about the disease, becoming a member or donate to the Child Cancer Fund (Swedish). All this can be done here.

Good News vs. Police Razzia

The bump on Jamie's back turned out to be an enlarged muscle, thank goodness. We're all so relieved and sort of in a shock. Although most of us were more or less sure that it wasn't another tumour, the worries was still there and the good news was like putting the air out of a huge balloon about to explode. I can't even express what I feel right now. Sure, he's still not eating enough, but he's so much better than last week, and with the good news all the hopes we all had gathered are back. I have no doubt what so ever that there soon will be a surgery to remove the foul tumour once and for all and that Jamie will get fully recovered and live the happy life he so much deserves.

I'm staying with Linda and her beautiful kids since they got back from the MRI. Last night I shared bedroom with Jamie and I can now stop worrying that I wouldn't wake up when I'm sleeping in the same room as a baby. I woke up every time he moved or sighed or when he dropped his dummy. It was definitely good training for future happenings!

And now to the happening of the day. Me, Linda and Sara were out running a few errands and were on our way back. Linda was driving her car with Jamie in the front and me, Sara and baby Nova in the back. We were 100 m from the house when suddenly we saw the characteristic blinking blue lights in an under cover police car behind us. Linda stopped and out marched two officers asking for her driving's licence. She got to blow in this alcohol reading device. All was in order, until one of the officers said no to let us go. Suddenly another police car showed up and in a few seconds we had officers blocking all of the car doors, refusing to let any of us out, including Sara with her screaming baby who was really really hungry.

They said they suspected that Linda was affected by some drugs (?!) and asked her to step out and get in their car to do an eye test. Poor, poor Linda who has had enough for years to come was about to burst, just as me and Sara who sat helpless and locked in in the back of the car, forbidden to touch our phones or even close the doors to avoid the babies to freeze. Naturally Linda was allowed to go.

I have never experienced such social incompetence in the Swedish police force. They claimed it was a "routine control". Do they have it as a routine to be SO unpleasant and rude too? They had no reason what so ever to put Linda, or anyone for that matter, in a position like that, making her and the rest of us feel guilty for something we didn't do. To put someone through that, they need an underlying reason - something that they didn't have. I know that I can't properly describe the situation in words. Let's just say that no professional should act the way they did. Two babies were crying their lungs out and they couldn't even let one of the mothers stand outside the car OR close the doors so that they wouldn't freeze. What did they think; that we would pick out our automatics and start shooting? Or that we would pick up the babies and run into the bushes?

It was shameful, the way they acted. All the neighbors were watching through the windows, embarrassing all of us. What must they think now? I hope that the responsible officers will understand that they acted completely unprofessional and rude. Be sure that I will do my best to make that happen. This is not what it should be like in Sweden (or anywhere else for that matter).

Dealing With a Crisis at the Child Ward

Darling Jamie

 This day is coming to an end. This morning Jamie was drowsier than he has been for the last few days. He has hardly eaten and have been sleeping a lot. When Linda had taken the elder sons to kindergarden and school, she broke. All the strength she had just left her as soon as she got back and there was nothing I could do to put the strength back into her. Mum came, and the four of us went to the hospital, where we made the staff understand that this isn't working anymore. They got a room in the child ward and will most likely stay there until it's time for the MRI on Tuesday. Mum is spending the night with them, and tomorrow I'll take over. I needed a night away, not for selfish reasons but because I need to gather the strength it takes to be the support that she needs and at the same time take care of Jamie. It's not good enough to drive myself to a point when I can't be of any help at all. Better to take a break, breathe, rest and get back with renewed strength.

The medical examination went well. His blood values were better than last time they checked and he had gained weight. The bumb on his back had not changed and he responded well when checking for reflexes and the strength in his legs. All looks good, and we're all keeping our many fingers crossed that the bump is nothing but an enlarged muscle that have compensated for the other side of his back, where the original tumour is. He's been lively and in a good mood all day and neither me nor the hospital staff is particulary worried about him at the moment. The real anxiety and worries lies with Linda. I so wish I could lighten her burden.

Me and mum have take turns in taking care of Jamie and Linda. There's not much you can do, other than stroke her hair, come up with stupid conversations to keep her from thinking too much and get her coffee. I wish there was more. I wish God would show himself and his mercy now. What God would let a child and his mother suffer like this?

You are not alone Linda, and never will be. When you break, we will pick up your pieces, glue them together and take over everything until the glue has dried. We're here for you; me, Sara (you're an amazing friend to Linda and the whole family is greatful for the support you give her) and every other family and friend around you. And you will see, soon all this is over, and you can start living your life again with all three of your boys.

Child Cancer

Does this baby look like he has cancer?

Second day at Linda's place. There's been visits to the hospital with baby Jamie every day and will continue like that until Tuesday when the MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) is in Göteborg. It will be a few very long days of anxious waiting for Linda and everyone else involved. I wish there was more I could do to lighten the burden for her, to carry some of her pain.

I'm not very good at comforting, especially when there isn't much I can say or do to comfort. Her child has cancer and is under treatment. The doctors have high hopes for him to be fully recovered, but of course darling Linda is going through hell until the good news reach her. I wish I could speed up time for her and Jamie. At least he's young enough to not have any memory of all the horrible treatments, but the rest will have to deal with the trauma they're going through right now.

If I was a telepath I would transfer hope and happy thoughts into her head, make her understand that everything will be ok. He will get fully recovered, and have a long long life full off happiness, love and wonderful experiences. I know if from the deepest parts of my heart and soul.

Linda, my dearest, beautiful, darling sister; I love you from the bottom of my heart, and I will always be there for you, whenever and however. I know I'm not always the great support that you need, but I assure you that I'm doing my very very best. Again, I love you!