Monday, September 13, 2010

The Happy Runaway

Now here's a thought; why is it really so bad to run away from your problems? Ok, we all know that it's not the optimal way of dealing with things, but in some cases it might - in my opinion - be the best way. Sometimes you come to a point when you have tried everything, or you don't even have the strength to try, when the problem consumes your every thought and free time and makes you an emotional invalid. I'm not afraid to admit that I have ran away from many problems for years. In most cases I could have solved the situation in a better way, that much I have learned, but in some cases I know for sure that running away was my only option and therefore the best. If I hadn't ran away, maybe I wouldn't even be alive today. 

Most people around me know that I've been entagled in the sticky snares of depression since I was a teenager, and problem solving haven't been on the top of my priority list. Surviving has. Being a runaway have undeniably led to me hurting people, and that I regret, although I know that I at the time didn't have much of a choice but to be selfish. Selfishness has at times been the only way forward and I'm happy to advice others to do the same if there is no other choice. No one should feel bad for doing the only thing possible, even if it hurts people in the process. The people that love you know the person you are inside and will understand. And the people who don't simply aren't worth the energy.

You can judge me for being selfish if you want, even a coward, and I can agree to both statements. Sometimes I am a selfish coward, but in my defense it's not by choice. Or maybe, in a sense, it is. Of course I could have chosen to fight although I didn't have the strength (and most likely loose miserably) or simply give up altogether, lay down and die. I chose neither black nor white, but the cowardly gray in between. I dare to say that thanks to it, I'm still here today. So, judge me if it makes you feel better, but leave me to cope with my issues alone unless you're prepared to walk with me. You're much welcomed to join me on my run, I assure you it will be an interesting one!


Marianne said...

Oj, det här var ett svårt ämne. Jag tror nog att vi alla befinner oss i den där gråskalan, ibland kan vi kämpa för en sak, ibland kan vi bara inte av olika orsaker. Och så måste man ju faktiskt välja sina slag också, man kan inte kämpa för allt och alla hela tiden, hur goda orsakerna än är. Men visst är det tråkigt att det ibland sårar andra.

Så trist att du kämpar med depressioner. Det måste också ta väldigt mycket energi att ta sig ur, då går det åt energi som man annars kunde ha använt till ett av de där slagen som man inte orkar.

Jag känner dig ju inte, och har alldeles nyligen hittat till din blogg, men det jag har läst här har verkligen gett mig väldigt mycket tänkvärt och viktigt. Jag tror att du har mycket att ge världen. Försök hålla det inom dig när du ramlar ner i djupet!


Meme said...

Ja, jag önskar att jag kunde rikta energin mot andra saker än just att bekämpa ångest, men jag blir lite bättre på det för var dag som går, även om de flesta i min omgivning inte märker förändringen.

Tack igen för att du läser! Nu ska jag ta mig en titt på vad du har skrivit.