Saturday, September 25, 2010

The Black Hole Inside

 According to NASA, a black hole is "a region of space whose gravitational force is so strong that nothing can escape from it. A black hole is invisible because it even traps light". These holes exist in space, as we all know, and in my soul. Inside is this thick, heavy materia that is sucking in everything that makes me enjoy life. It sounds very dramatic, but that's only because it is. I don't mean to complain, or feel sorry about myself, but I have reached a point where I'm completely out of solutions. Today I wanted to end my life.

[artistic pause]

I watched a movie last night called Wristcutters: a love story. It's not as emo as it sounds and is telling the story of a young man who decides to commit suicide and ends up in an afterlife much like this life, only a bit more depressing. He misses his ex, whom he later realize also killed herself after his own death, and ended up in the same world. He hits the road with his Russian friend in search of his once lost love. And although the whole suicide thing is depressing and sad, it's a movie about love. It made me smile and to some extent question my whole idea of what happens after death.

Don't worry, I'm not going to die until I'm old enough to realize all the things I should have done differently. Up until now I have worked pretty hard on making that list as short as possible. I never want to regret things I didn't do. Bila nadam.

I'm staying awake on purpose. I don't want to turn the lights off and see dawn as a reminder of the normal life I could have had. I don't want to press myself to sleep. I don't want to sleep, because I'm afraid of what I might dream. Now, khalas Meme. Never mind all that. Shut the laptop and lights off, relaaax... listen to my voice... When I count to three...

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