Friday, August 13, 2010

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back.

Friday. If it wouldn't have been the 13th, this would be like any other Friday. A week of work is over, fun and sleeping late awaits for another two days. But that's for ordinary people - and my life is anything but ordinary.

From being an excited wedding planning person with high hopes of the future, I have at best transformed into a vague shadow of that person. A crashed relationship, a family in distress, a child (not mine) with cancer and a mysterious illness that the doctors are clueless about. I don't want to be the one who always complains, or have sad stories to tell. I don't want the angst to cloud my mind and infect my dear ones. I don't want to be a burden anymore. What I do want, is to be strong for everyone. I want to carry all the pain and sadness away from the ones I love, but I can't. If just one more thing will add to the weight that I'm already carrying, I know that I will sink like a rock in the darkest of the deep seas.

I hate it when people persist of calling me strong. For fuck's sake, I know I'm strong, otherwise I wouldn't be here today would I? But being strong is not synonyme with coping. I'm strong enough not to be broken when the tornado lifts and carries me away, but the tornado won't stop spinning no matter how strong I am.

All the strength I have left, I send to Linda and Jamie; everything will be alright. It's tough now, but the golden drops will shine it's light and scare the shadows away. I love you.

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