Monday, November 1, 2010

Solitude - Part I

There are different ways of defining the word solitude:

  • the state of being solitary or secluded 
  • a state of social icolation
  • the state or sitation of being alone
  • a state of being alone, or withdrawn from society; a lonely life; lonelyness.
  • the state of being or living alone 

In most cases, solitude is not chosen. It happened for reasons that you either could or couldn't prevent. Maybe you did something so bad that your friends chose to fully or partly exclude you from their lives. Solitude can also be a result of a somewhat innocent person falling sick and no longer has the strength to keep her social life going. Suddenly there are other things to top the priority list of what is most important in your life. For example: would you prefer to fight for your will to stay alive, or would you rather keep going as normal and as a result; loose your life.

In my case, I lost my friends when I no longer had the will to live. I was in a deep depression and on a number of Hulk-strong pills to keep me calm and keep the suicidal thoughts away from my head. At this time, it wasn't even in me to call my friends, to keep relationships going and to pretend to be this super social gal I used to be. So I lost my friends. Three stayed (Anna, Frida and Jakob). For them, I will forever be greatful and I wish with all my being that one day I will be forever free the disabling angst so that I can show how much you really mean to me. I love you guys, from the bottom of my soul; I thank you.

During the years, the depressions have come back, and the problems with it. I've been slipping away from those dear friends even when I at times have had the courage to talk to them, and on occasion even see them. Anna moved to Oslo. Frida lives closer, but is busy. Jakob lives in Göteborg and is probably equally busy.

I'm really working on it, but it's still hard to be in social places with a lot of people. I never feel more alone than I do in a room full of people. Taking the bus to Göteborg is a huge undertaking even though it's only an hour away. This is probably the hardest part to explain; how I can't come have coffee in Borås or go to a party in Göteborg. I can't, because although I've worked hard to get where I am today, I'm not quite there yet. I so wish I was. Because at this time, it feels like even those three remaining friends are slipping away from me. I can't have that happen. That would certanily be the final blow. But what can I do to prevent that from happening? How can I prove to them that I'm worth to come visit, even if I can't come see them?


    Anonymous said...

    friendship between people,specially that whose started long time ago ,its not easy to be lost , but it does stay in hearts forever, even if was hard for them to show it up or express it. and friends who's stand by each other in worse times and stay until the fog is gone. those are the real friends. don't be afraid to lose anyone, specially those who's not deserve ...

    Anonymous said...

    maybe, just maybe you got something to do with your friends left you..... it cant just be everyone elses fault that so many doesnt wanna be with you
    sometimes you have to step out of your self and look real close.....

    Meme said...

    To Anonymoys November 8:
    Indeed, you're absolutely right. If you would read the full post and the following two, you would see that it's exactily what I'm saying.

    I'm not blaming anyone but me and the situation I was in. Can't say that I wasn't dwelling in self pity, for I was, but not anymore. I understand now why people left me and why some chose to stay.

    Anonymous said...

    dont u feel sorry for ur self??? omg that is all u do in every bloggpost u write....
    u are such a self pity person
    all u ever write about is how everyone left u.... poor u
    omg do something about ur socalled depressions then and stop feeling so sad about urself....
    i really dont understand how u can have the time and energy to pity urself so much.... get a job so u get something else to think about girl

    Meme said...

    To Anonymous, November 16: Don't -you- have anything better to do than to punish yourself by reading my boring self pitying blog? I really don't understand why you insist on keep on reading if it disturbs you so much.