The Black Hole Inside

 According to NASA, a black hole is "a region of space whose gravitational force is so strong that nothing can escape from it. A black hole is invisible because it even traps light". These holes exist in space, as we all know, and in my soul. Inside is this thick, heavy materia that is sucking in everything that makes me enjoy life. It sounds very dramatic, but that's only because it is. I don't mean to complain, or feel sorry about myself, but I have reached a point where I'm completely out of solutions. Today I wanted to end my life.

[artistic pause]

I watched a movie last night called Wristcutters: a love story. It's not as emo as it sounds and is telling the story of a young man who decides to commit suicide and ends up in an afterlife much like this life, only a bit more depressing. He misses his ex, whom he later realize also killed herself after his own death, and ended up in the same world. He hits the road with his Russian friend in search of his once lost love. And although the whole suicide thing is depressing and sad, it's a movie about love. It made me smile and to some extent question my whole idea of what happens after death.

Don't worry, I'm not going to die until I'm old enough to realize all the things I should have done differently. Up until now I have worked pretty hard on making that list as short as possible. I never want to regret things I didn't do. Bila nadam.

I'm staying awake on purpose. I don't want to turn the lights off and see dawn as a reminder of the normal life I could have had. I don't want to press myself to sleep. I don't want to sleep, because I'm afraid of what I might dream. Now, khalas Meme. Never mind all that. Shut the laptop and lights off, relaaax... listen to my voice... When I count to three...

 

33 Reasons why SD are Racists

"Wierdo!"

People ask what makes Sweden Democtats (SD) a racist party. Here is a (by me) translated version of their 33 points about immigration that were adopted in May 2005 that might give you multiple answers to that question:

1.  Sweden shall, within EU, support the proposal "Safe haven", i.e. asylum reception in areas next to the outskirts of EU.
2.  Until a system with "Safe haven" has been consequently implemented, Sweden should cancel its connection to the New York-protocol from 1967. This would mean a return to the Geneva convention's original undertaking, namely to recieve refugees from other European countries.
3. Asylum application in Sweden shall be done at the border in connection with the entering, otherwise no handling or trial.
4. A satisfactory presentation of identity, otherwise no handling and trial of asylum application.
5. Mandatory tests concerning HIV-tests of those who apply for stay permit.
6. Mandatory tests concerning HIV and tuberculosis  and other epidemics when applying for stay permit in Sweden.
7. Asylum applicants that commit crimes - even less serious offences - shall immediately be deported without further trial of application.
8. Temporary stay permits (TUT) shall be a rule. Not permanent (PUT).
9. Immidiate enforce of rejection- and deport decisions.
10. Stop for parents' opportunities to drive children to apathy in order to obtain PUT. Such things should not be rewarded.
11. Abolish the opportunity to hand in a new application (NUT) after a lawful decision of deportation.
12. "Danish rules" for family reunion, 24 years of age and connection rules, own residence, stable economy, etc. This is important to prevent forced marriage.
13. No Swedish teaching before stay permit.
14. No optional settlement for asylum applicants.
15. No cash allowances for asylum applicants, only food and shelter.
16. No permission for regular work before stay permit. However duty to compensate for costs of stay.
17. Restrictiveness in granting Swedish citizenship.
18. Annullement of citizenship and stay permit at serious offence.
19. Deportation of foreign citizens at repeated offences.
20. Annullement of stay permit when showed that "the refugee" could visit the country from where he/she fled.
21. Repatriation of foreigners who subordinate Swedish law and authority decisions for Islamic decrees and traditions.
22. A more effective foreigner control within the country.
23. An increased border control, fine injunction for transport companies that don't adopt the visa obligation.
24. A larger restrictivity in granting a new passport for those who lost a previously issued document.
25. Ban against burka/niqab in public places.
26. No more mosques on Swedish ground.
27. Special support for students with immigrant backgrounds shall be conditioned. Also parents have to show an active engagement in learning the Swedish language.
28. No regular teaching in Arabic or other immigrant languages in school.
29. Prohibit to send children to Quran-schools in their home countries to "undo Swedishness".
30. Sanctions against parents to under aged repeated criminals.
31. No special treatment for individuals and groups on the sake of ethnicity.
32. With the exception of the primary information to asylum applicants the authorities' information and documents shall be supplied in Swedish.
33. Tear up the law that means a converted evidence production of evidence and that cause employers excessive fines based on stated "discrimination of immigrants".

Jimmie Åkesson about point 7: "If a 15 year old shoplifts, the whole family shall be deported."

Jimmie Åkesson about point 12: "Immigrants should not be allowed to get married until they're 24 years old."

Jimmie Åkesson about point 16: "They have to work for food and shelter. They can clean in the refugee shelter."

Jimmie Åkesson about point 21: "Foreigners shall be deported if they criticize Sweden."

Jimmie Åkesson about point 25: "Burka is a political uniform for islamism and shall be banned."

We Like Different

Swedish evening paper Aftonbladet runs a campaign called "We like different" as a stand against immigrant hostility. A racist party has entered the parliament and  the reaction and emotions around the country are sadness and rage, dissappointment, and for the Swedish Democrat's sympathizers - joy and malicious pleasure.

I take comfort in knowing that most people didn't vote for them, and that those who did were ignorant to its true purposes and opinions, and thought they were voting for something completely different than for what it really is.

This is not a disarable situation, not one bit, but I refuse to think of Sweden as a lost cause. This is when the fight starts. And as a friend said; let's not mourn and spread more hatred. Let's instead spread love and solidarity and show Sweden what it really means to be Swedish!

Election

The Swedish election 2010 is a special one. The race is between the right wing Moderate Party (M) and it's Allies (a cooperation with the Centre Party (C), the Liberal Party (FP) and the Christian Democrats (KD)) and the Left Party and it's cooperation program the Red-Greens (the Left Party, the Green Party and the Social Democratic Party). About to enter the Parliament is the Swedish Democrats (SD), a "nationalistic democratic" party (according to themselves) with controversial opinions about immigrants and islam. It is the 19th of September and the polling stations close at 8PM. This is my report about the waiting for the results, and the feelings and reactions right after the results have been announced.

A few days ago, a Swedish blogger told her moving story about her sick mother who is being denied sickness benifits and is being forced to sell her home and is expected to start working although numerous doctors have certified that the woman is in no shape to work ever again. The story reached media within hours and reporters have tried to get a comment from the present prime minister, Fredrik Reinfeldt (M), in vain. The story of "how a young woman's blog post is changing the Swedish elections" have reached tens of thousands of readers and have been referred to by a Washington Post blogger. The story is unfortunately one of many. My own mother is in a similar situation, although not as bad as the mother in this story. Days before the election, a young woman's story, might be decisive for the results. It gives me great hope, getting proof that a single person can change the world.

I am no secretive Swede and hides my opinions. I'm not sure why Swedes don't want to tell what they're voting for. I'm proud to say that I'm voting green this year.

The tension rises; will Sweden get its first female prime minister, the Social Democrat's Mona Sahlin, or will Fredrik Reinfeldt be the first non-Socialist prime minister to stay for two election periods?

4 PM   It just stopped raining and I'm putting the voting paper in my handbag and leaves for the polling station at the local upper level of compulsory school. My belly is tingling and I can't help but feeling nervous. It feels like this election is more important than any election I can remember. It is time to make Sweden humane again, and I will be part of that happening.

5 PM  Me and baby brother Jimmy went to place our votes together. It was with mixed feelings that I saw the vote applications of the minor parties (Swedish Democrats, Feminist Initiative and Pirate Party) next to the major ones. Democracy is the core of freedom and welfare, but it's scary knowing that something so good can lead to improved influence for hateful racists. Speaking of which, if you make a google search, the first hit on the list will now be http://www.sverigedemokraterna.de/, an anti-Swedish Democrats information page. Go internet acivism!

5.30 PM  Two and a half hour until the polling stations close. The election debate on Swedish TV4 starts an hour prior to the closing. According to the news, 3,9 million people that are authorized to vote are expected to vote. Nervous!

8 PM  The polling stations are closed and Swedish Television (SVT) report an initial result from a survey made in some 130 polling stations around the country. The Allies report to lead with 49,1 % against the Red-greens' 45,1 %. Swedish Democrats are expected to get around 4,6 % of the votes, meaning that they will most likely enter the Parliament. The final results will take another couple of hours and I'll keep my fingers crossed that the luck will change! Time to put mini brother Anton to bed.

10 PM  According to counted districts; the Moderates get 172 mandates, the Social Democrates 157 and the Swedish Democrates 20. There are mixed emotions to this and the Red-greens are still hoping for a win although it doesn't look like it at the moment. 4429 out of 5668 districts have been counted so far.

11 PM  I'm crying for Sweden. For all the people that SD wish wouldn't be here and for all those who wouldn't be allowed to seek refuge here if they have a say. I'm crying for all the sick people that will continue to be kicked out to work, that have a time limit for their ilness' and have all their dignity taken away from them. I'm crying and I'm ashamed. I cannot believe that Sweden will have a racist party in the Parliament, that we have allowed hatred to enter our society to this degree. God, I hate this.

12 AM  A right-wing minority government rule is taking place and community's vulnerable groups are mourning. We are writing a dirty chapter in our history and I will have a hard time explaining it to my future children. The Red-greens are planning to continue their cooperation and all party leaders within the program are stating that they will refuse all cooperation with a racist party. I salute them and support their continued work against oppression and for solidarity, justice and all people's equal value. Fredrik Reinfeldt says in his speach to his party friends that they will not rule with - or be dependant of - the support of SD. That remains to be seen.

I'm genuinely mourning, for all those (including me) that will have to pay for the sake of a thick non-Socialist wallet. I'm sorry, all of you, that this is happening. To all immigrants, and future immigrants: please do not think that this is the voice of all Swedes. Many of us remain, that will continue to fight for solidarity.

The Swedish Horror Election

"2 mg reliefs muslim hatred & islam phobia"

A couple of more days remain until the Swedish scandal election and I'm starting to feel like I'm in part of something like The Truman Show. For those who don't know; Sweden is about to write a dirty chapter in its politics history. Sverigedemokraterna (SD), or the Swedish Democrats, is a minor "national democratic" (according to themselves) party with controversial, to say the least, opinions about immigration. It's a one matter party that masks its intentions with 101 rethorics and tactics to frighten people into voting for them. According to Jimmy Åkesson, SD:s most ignorant party leader, means that islam is Sweden's biggest threat. He claims that Sweden is loosing its identity because of a "islamation" of society, where muslims are intentionally working on "taking over" Sweden and the rest of the western world.

On a question if wearing a scarf makes you less Swedish, Åkesson replies that that is up to that person - and the people around her - to decide, but yes, it's possible that she looses a bit of her "Swedishness". I wear a scarf most days, although not of religious reasons. I grew up in Sweden. My last name ends with -son and I celebrate Midsummer every year. A piece of fabric on my head doesn't make me less Swedish, for whatever reason I wear it, does it?

The reason to why SD wants a hugely restricted immigration politics, is (they say) the economy. They are ignorant to the research stating the profits that immigrants bring Sweden. The second reason is criminality. According to the party, immigrants are over represented in criminality registers. This is also a lie, and all opposing parties that have tried to reason with them have put forward statistics proving the opposite, but they try to avoid even this with vague responses like "I haven't looked into this specific statistics, so I cannot comment on that". Naturally, the frightening tactics they use, draw a lot of people that aren't very initiated in politics and therefore fall for simple, rediculous, rethorics.

Recent opinion pools indicate that SD will reach the four percent limit to enter the Parliament and it genuinely scares me knowing that my fellow compatriots - my neighbors - are letting this happen. It is freightening to see the similarities to the racial politics that shadows the 30's and onward in Sweden. Last week a SD Parliament candidate said that immigrants have an "aggressive gene". Does that sound familiar? It should; Hitler was saying similar things. Only difference is that for him jews was the focus group and for SD it's muslims. Not surprisingly, Åkesson doesn't have to say much about his fellow party member's statement and calls it a mere trifle.

To make things worse, SD are trying (although not very hard) to mask its real intentions in promises of a more worthy life for the "real" Swedes, particulary the elder ones. But not even their other ideas of change makes much sense. They want to lower the minimum age for penalty from 15 to 12, something that shows ignorance about criminality. They want to reintroduce the administration of corporal punishment and imagine to send Swedish prisoners to Russian prisons if there isn't enough room in Swedish ones.

Today I had a discussion with a social democratic party worker, and she assured me that although they would be forced to have debates with SD, they would never cooperate with them. That gave me some hope, that even if the nightmare would come true, and SD would really enter the Parliament, our leaders will be sensible enough to realize that a party with dangerous ideas like them, can never get enough power to actually change something.

I'm ashamed of what's happening, and it saddens me beyond anything right now that my beloved Sweden are getting more and more foreigner hostile. SD is contradicting human rights, the equality of all humans. In my opinion, everyone is equal, meaning that those who needs to flee their home country for whatever reason, should be welcomed with open arms and treated with repect and dignity, just as they would do the same to us. I have lived in developing countries, among muslims and where I was the only western person. I got treated with nothing but respect, even when my beliefs and opinions were completely different from theirs.

Yes, I am upset and I felt that I had to put my thoughts into words. Maybe I can reach out to a person or two, and get them to be extra consequent in this election. It's not right to make a protest vote, for whatever reason. You may have bad experiences with immigrants, or maybe you have something personal against different religions, but that is not a reason to encourage hate, hostility and oppression.

The Happy Runaway

Now here's a thought; why is it really so bad to run away from your problems? Ok, we all know that it's not the optimal way of dealing with things, but in some cases it might - in my opinion - be the best way. Sometimes you come to a point when you have tried everything, or you don't even have the strength to try, when the problem consumes your every thought and free time and makes you an emotional invalid. I'm not afraid to admit that I have ran away from many problems for years. In most cases I could have solved the situation in a better way, that much I have learned, but in some cases I know for sure that running away was my only option and therefore the best. If I hadn't ran away, maybe I wouldn't even be alive today. 

Most people around me know that I've been entagled in the sticky snares of depression since I was a teenager, and problem solving haven't been on the top of my priority list. Surviving has. Being a runaway have undeniably led to me hurting people, and that I regret, although I know that I at the time didn't have much of a choice but to be selfish. Selfishness has at times been the only way forward and I'm happy to advice others to do the same if there is no other choice. No one should feel bad for doing the only thing possible, even if it hurts people in the process. The people that love you know the person you are inside and will understand. And the people who don't simply aren't worth the energy.

You can judge me for being selfish if you want, even a coward, and I can agree to both statements. Sometimes I am a selfish coward, but in my defense it's not by choice. Or maybe, in a sense, it is. Of course I could have chosen to fight although I didn't have the strength (and most likely loose miserably) or simply give up altogether, lay down and die. I chose neither black nor white, but the cowardly gray in between. I dare to say that thanks to it, I'm still here today. So, judge me if it makes you feel better, but leave me to cope with my issues alone unless you're prepared to walk with me. You're much welcomed to join me on my run, I assure you it will be an interesting one!

Religous Provocation

God according to Leonard Nimoy

These last few years we have seen a scary trend spreading through the world: the religous provocation in the name of art and/or freedom of speech. I believe that both art and freedom of speech are necessary and important parts of any culture and should be respected. However, it should not be used for the sole purpose of upsetting people and violate another person's beliefs. In some cases, provocation is a positive thing, when used as a means to wake people up and get their attention to something important. But it is one thing to provoke by showing a picture of a starving near-to-death baby in Darfur to get people to react (and hopefully act), and another to show a satire cartoon version of the Prophet Muhammed - for whatever reason, when you know for a fact that every muslim on this planet will be offended and hurt.

It's easiest to bring up examples of religious provocations when it's about Islam, since that's what have cought the media's attention the most lately, but of course this is not a strict anti Islam method.

I believe that everyone has the right to say whatever is on their mind and everyone is entitled to their own opinions and beliefs, but it should never be at someone else's expense. Nothing we say or do should be at someone else's expense really. My wish is that people one day will realize that we all aren't that different from each other. We might practice our religions differently, but most of us believe in the same thing, not matter if we call it God, Allah, Universe, Balance or Gaia. It may sound very flower powery, but if there's one thing that I've learned throughout the few years that I've lived, it is that we're all made from the same material and we're all going to die. The best thing we can do before the end, is to do unto others as you would have others do unto you. It's all quite simple. I don't want you to offend me, so I won't offend you.

And if what I have said so far isn't enough of an argument, then at least think of this: When you choose to provoke, you may do it as one individual, but it will taint the reputation and opinion of the people around you. Just as a muslim suicide bomber gives all muslims a bad reputation, a Swedish artist who portraits Muhammed as a dog gives all Swedes (or non-muslims for that matter) a bad reputation. It creates conflicts that is so far beyond the original attempt to simply provoke. I have gathered a few stories, some bad and some not so bad. I'll leave you to judge which is what:

Religion according to me

- Italian-Canadian artist Cosimo Cavallaro created an anatomically correct chocolate statue of Jesus Christ that was supposed to be exhibited in New York during an Easter and was titled "My Sweet Lord". The exhibition was cancelled after Catholics threatened to kill the artist.

- Swedish artist Lars Vilks depicts Prophet Muhammed as a dog, causing protests and the arrest of an American woman in an alleged plot to kill Vilks. His head is now worth 150,000 USD.

- Russians Andrei Yerofeyev and Yuri Samodurov set up the "Forbidden Art" exhibition in Moscow, featuring a depicition of Jesus Christ with the head of Mickey Mouse among others. The show was condemned from the Russian Orthodox Church and the two men were fined.

- American photographer Andres Serrano created a scandal when he presented "Piss Christ", a photograph of a small plastic crucifix in a glass of the artist's urin. The piece won the Southeastern Center for Contemporary Art's "Awards in the Visual Arts" competition - a price which was accompanied by hate mails, death threats and lost grants due to controversy.

- Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten publishes a cartoon series of the Prophet Muhammed as a terrorist, causing the lives of over 30 people in massive protests all over the world. Libya closed its embassy in Copenhagen, Danish and Norwegian embassies were attacked abroad and Iran cut all trade links with Denmark as a protest. I got a call from the Swedish embassy, warning me to publicly say that I'm Swedish. I was at the time working for a small Danish NGO, that had to cover all logos. Our sister organization was shot at. Danish police found a bomb in Copenhagen last Friday, that they suspect was meant for the newspaper.

- Swedish photographer Elisabeth Ohlsson Wahlin presents the exhibition Ecce Homo, which constist of 12 photograpies with modern biblical motives. Her message of rights for homo- and bisexuals are clear in the pictures. The exhibition took place in Uppsala Cathedral, leading to a bomb threat to the church and that the pope at the time, Johannes Paulus II, cancelled a planned audience by the arch bishop K G Hammar.

- American pastor Terry Jones plans to burn the Koran on the anniversary of September 11th. Although cancelled a couple of days before the planned event, protests arise and groups around the states were inspired to do similar acts. In Afghanistan 10,000 people demonstrated and one store got burned to the ground.

- Dutch filmmaker Theo Van Gogh releases a fictional study of abused Muslim women, featuring scenes of almost naked women with texts from the Koran on their flesh. Van Gogh was killed in the street; shot several times and got his throat cut.

People according to me

- Swedish street artist Dan Park makes a pearl swastika and places it with a can with the label "Zyklon B" by the Jewish parish in Malmö. Zyklon B is the name of a gas that was used by the nazis during Worldwar II to gas Jews to death. Park calls the action "brutal humour", Swedish police called it "agitation against an ethnic group".

- British painter Chris Ofili's piece "The Holy Virgin Mary" was decorated with elephant dung and surrounded by a collage of female genitalia from porn magazines. It was shown during an exhibition in New York and was met with massive protests. A lawsuit was started to evict the museum, and a federal lawsuit was filed against the mayor for breach of the First Amendment.

My Soul Inspired, My Heart in Bliss

"Sa'am plants are in it,

In the presence of which one feels oneself uplifted!

I am your darling sister,

I am to you like a bit of land,

with each shrub of grateful fragrance.

Lovely is the water-conduit in it,

which your hand has dug,

while the north wind cooled us.

A beautiful place to wander,

Your hand in my hand,

My soul inspired

My heart in bliss,

Because we go together.

New wine it is, to hear your voice;

I live for hearing it.

To see you with each look,

Is better than eating and drinking."

Child Soldier

According to the Cape Town principles, a child soldier is:

"Any person under 18 years of age who is part of any kind of regular or irregular armed force or armed group in any capacity, including but not limited to cooks, porters, messengers, and those accompanying such groups, other than purely as family members. It includes girls recruited for sexual purposes and forced marriage. It does not, therefore, only refer to a child who is carrying or has carried arms."

In Sudan, thousands of child soldiers have been recruited and used by armed forces, government supported militias and armed opposition groups. In January 2005, a deal was made between Sudan People's Liberation Movement (SPLM) and the Sudanese government. The deal, the Comprehensive, Peace Agreement (CPA), or the Naivasha deal, made sure that the parties signing the deal would demobilize all children in their ranks before July 2005. But children are still being used in the conflicts of ignorant adults. They are easily manipulated and used. Even after a long time of abuse and mistreat, they can start to trust you, because they are children. Innocent, white cheats of lives that fill the canvas with whatever the grown ups tell them to put there.

War saddens me, as every injustice in this world. But nothing upsets me more, than the unjust use of poor children - young people that could have a whole bright future ahead of them, if bloodthirsty and vengeful grown ups wouldn't destroy all hope of freedom.

I'm stydying pedagogy at the moment, and will hopefully get my bachelor's degree in June. So I've started to think of what to write as my final paper. For many years I've known that I want to work with those who are less fortunate than me, to make their lives a little bit brighter, and my stay in Sudan confirmed all those thoughts and feelings. So my idea is to write the paper about the effects that education have for those who have been child soldiers, if it contributes to their reintegration into society and if it helps the healing of their souls. I haven't thought of the details yet, but at least it's an idea, or the start of an idea. If you have any suggestions of how to improve the idea, do let me know.

Nothing is Frozen

I've come to realize something, other than that I've come to realize a lot of things lately; during these past few years that I've been in and out of Sweden, moving here and there, travelling around, coming leaving... I've all the time expected life and people around me to run the same course as me. I've expected that things will always remain the same every time I come back to Sweden, that nothing important has changed, that my friends would still be my friends. What I haven't considered for some reason, is that people's lives go on with or without me. People move on, live their lives, evolve, grow up, change, even when I'm not there. So no wonder that I always feel disappointed and alone when I come back. I am alone. My best friends aren't my best friends anymore. They have their own lives, their own traditions and own families to tend to now. Time in Sweden has not been frozen, no matter how much I'd want it to be.

I think it's time for me to give in and let people go. I can't continue being disappointed, sad or angry at people for not being the same towards me as they were 10 years ago. I can't continue blaming them for having their own lives. It's just painful for me and a burden to them.

So, from now on, I'll create my own, adult life, too. I can still get friends, right? It's never too late for that.

Who Chooses to be a Refugee?

Father and daughter resting in Khartoum North, Sudan.

Got an email from the Red Cross today, asking if I would be interested in a voluntary mission with refugees here in Sweden. The email went out to everyone who had taken the basic courses in psychological first aid and support. How I want to! There's a refugee office in Borås, not 35 km from here, that every day gets visits from people in unimaginable situations. To even think of the histories they're carrying make me dizzy. They've been running away from wars, abuse, murder, rapes, famine, diseases and a ton of other horrors that a lucky Swede can't even begin to try to understand. And they come here, to a country with all the resources to help them, just to be met with suspiciosness and a general lack of comprehension. They're seen as burdens, even as threats, as "those refugees". As if they were all one living organism with the sole purpose of sucking the life out of our beloved country.

What foolishness drives those people who just don't want to understand that no one, not a single person on this planet, chooses to be a refugee. Who chooses to leave her birth country, family, job, schoo, friends, language, religion, everything she knows in life - just to come to a country that despises her presence? Who chooses hostility in a rich country instead of understanding in her home country? I know I wouldn't. 

I'm aware of how lucky I am to be born in Sweden. And it really is just luck. I could have just as easily been born in Indonesia, Congo or Guatemala. Maybe I would have grown up in a mud cottage in the country side, walking many miles every day just to get some drinking water. Maybe I would have seen my family get killed by the militia, maybe my mother would have been raped by bandits. Maybe my children would have been taken from me to be trained as child soldiers - who's first mission would be to rape and kill me. Maybe my brother would die in AIDS, or my sister in child birth. Maybe my whole village would be burned to the ground, or maybe I would be stoned to death because someone spread a rumour that I had been unfaithful to my husband. 

Maybe, that time in Sudan, the rebels would have refused to negotiate with the UN and my two kidnapped friends would never return alive. It's all about luck - of having it or of not having it. So far I've been lucky, and I will consider myself to be lucky until the day when I have something real to complain about.

I miss...

...to fall asleep on a warm shoulder.
...to be healthy.
...to be invited to parties.
...my friends.
...a normal sleeping pattern.
...to be free of medicines.
...to have my own place.
...to not worry about money.
...hope.
...saying "I'm great thanks!"
...sincerity.
...to be included.
...you.

Sakineh Mohammadi Ashanti

There are songs enough for the hero

Who dwells on the heights of fame;

I sing of the disappointed--

For those who have missed their aim.

I sing for the breathless runner,

The eager, anxious soul,

Who falls with his strength exhausted.

Almost in sight of the goal;

For the hearts that break in silence,

With a sorrow all unknown,

For those who need companions,

Yet walk their ways alone.

There are songs enough for the lovers

Who share love's tender pain,

I sing for the one whose passion

Is given all in vain.

For those whose spirit comrades

Have missed them on their way,

I sing, with a heart o'erflowing,

This minor strain to-day.

And I know the Solar system

Must somewhere keep in space

A prize for that spent runner

Who barely lost the race.

For the plan would be imperfect

Unless it held some sphere

That paid for the toil and talent

And love that are wasted here.

- Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Read more about Sakineh, who is sentenced to death by stoning for an alleged illegal relationship with a man in the Guardian. She has "confessed" to adultery in national television after having been tortured according to her lawyer. Death penalty is an awful thing to start with, but when a person gets sentenced to a most cruel death for something that he/she most likely didn't commit, then it's beyond horrible. 

If you want more information or maybe want to take a stand, go to Amnesty International.

Hospital again

Angelina may be more beautiful than me but...

...I've got a bigger upper lip! Hah!

 Angelina VS. Meme

 

I didn't sleep last night, at all. My sleeping problems are bad, and being sick didn't really help. When I "woke up", or rather came to my senses in the morning after a long night of uneasy lethargy my upper lip was swollen and was starting to spread into my mouth. So off I went to hospital again, praying that the medicines they'll give me there will be enough and that they won't keep me for the night.

The first doctor I met was a little strange, but nice. He had already read about my many visits to the hospital these past six months and knew about all the basic tests they've already taken, but still asked about the most obvious things. Like "are you allergic to something you eat?". Like I haven't tried that, and no, I'm not. The allergy specialists even say I'm NOT allergic. He adviced me to keep off soy too, which will be a slight problem since I'm a vegetarian. Besides, I'm pretty sure they tested me for that too.

They gave me a huuuge dosis of cortisone and then I had to wait for nearly three hours before they decided I could go. I went straight home, jumped into my PJ's, into bed and sat there conforting myself online until I fell asleep at 9 PM (just to wake up at 1 AM again...).

When will this shit end?!

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Ok, a hint then

"Gleam on gleam in the veiled dawn

The feet of the Gods are but half withdrawn;

The Colour fringes their garments' hem,

And the stones of the desert remember them.

Where the white mists enfold each hill

Lingers their brooding presence still;

Still, though the glory of Thebes be done,

The twin Colossi salute the sun.

Lure on lure at the break of morn

The earth lies fair as the earth was born,

And the old Gods walk in the mist and the dew

Of an ancient splendour for ever new."