Intercultural Relationships

©redsaga

My hope is for us to come together not only embracing shared beliefs and values, but acknowledging our differences in ways that promote respect and appreciation. To ask for a shared vision is a fair and legitimate human proposal; what is not fair and legitimate is to dictate the ways on how we get there. If we are to emerge from the long shadows that can engulf us, we must talk with each other, come to understand each other, and renew ourselves and our perceptions of each other.

-  Alma Abdul-Hadi Jadallah

You can live your life telling yourself that you choose your own path, that as long as you work for it you will end up with your dream job, the perfect social life and the perfect partner, but when love strikes (and I don't mean the high school crush, holiday flirts or rebound guys but that one that throws you off balance and compromises your breathing), the choices you've made so far matters little. You can live your life thinking that you're a rational person that would avoid difficulties in order to gain something easier, but when you find yourself eye to eye with that one person, rationality won't matter much. So maybe you one day find yourself in love with the seemingly impossible: a man or a woman from a different culture, with a different background and beliefs, with a different skin color, different values, opinions and thoughts. Then what? Do you walk away from it, hoping to find someone that would be easier to live with or do you cautiostly walk into it with the hopes of being able to overcome the differences?

First of all, cross cultural relationships all depend on the individuals involved and not their backgrounds. It all has to do with how open minded you are, your communication skills (which is mandatory and explained below), expectations, ability to compromise, knowledge and motivations. You can come from two completely different cultures, with different religions and political views, but what it comes down to is the personal traits and if these can be combined - i.e. all the issues that every relationship has to deal with.

Knowledge

Making an intercultural relationship works demands knowledge about each other's cultures, countries, religion and backgrounds. The best way if of course to talk to each other about it, ask every question you have no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. Be curious and interested and show it by doing your own research; read books, listen to music and watch movies from the country or region, get in touch with others from the same culture and follow the news. This way you're likely to find out things about your partner's background and history that he/she didn't even know, things that slipped his/her mind during school or that he/she has been too uniterested to find out. The history and culture of one's own country is usually more uninteresting than other cultures, so by learning and discussing your findings can be a great way of both showing your interest and makes a good topic of discussion. Make sure to embrace what you learn; you may not like the music the first few times you hear it, or histories of war and unjustice may make you judgemental of the people that experienced it - but with an open mind it will not only give you new knowledge but also get a better understanding of your partner.

Motivation

Keep a positive attitude towards the other culture, no matter of the things that you don't agree with or don't like about it. There's always wonderful things to learn and experience while getting to know another culture so it's important to appreciate the differences and be empathic. One thing that has helped me to overcome less attractive attributes in cultures is to simply see it as "exotic." That may seem biased, but it gives a different ground to stand on and a tool to use when understanding or appreciation fails you.

Skills

Actress Mae West once said that "I speak two languages, Body and English" which is a skill that is put well to use when communication is a problem. Even though you may speak the same languages you will most likely have different ways of using it. Irony is for example not used or understood in all cultures and the same goes for jokes that can be easily misunderstood and lead to unnecessary arguments if you don't understand the background of the joke. Your social skills will be different; in one culture it may be just fine to call someone fat without meaning anything negative about it, but in others it's a bad insult. Take your time and leard each other's social skills. You'll likely find out about these in time anyways, but it can be done the hard way or by communication. Don't take for granted that your partner can read your expressions and the words said in between the lines: keep it as simple and clear as possible. Don't play mind games and keep a dictionary close at hand when the communication doesn't go your way.

Every relationship has obstacles and problems to overcome; everyone are different to matter if you share the same culture or not. However, intercultural relationships presents its very own set of issues that will have to be dealt with, rather sooner than later in order to know if this will work for you or not. The differences between you can be an adventure and open your eyes and heart for a better understanding of life and the world (big words, I know). That said, it's not always easy and sometimes the differences are just too much. Maybe you will have problems with each other's families, maybe you won't be accepted into the new culture or maybe your religious beliefs don't accept compromises. But as I see it, everything can be overcome with patience, sincerity and motivation. Sometimes you just have to let go of some of your own principles if you want the relationship to work out in the long run. It all depends on how much you value each other and what your priorities are. As with any relationship; you can never expect to change the other person. If you do that, you're most likely doomed to fail. Instead, see the differences and accept them, and equally important; don't forget all the similarities and use them as a bridge to overcome the obstacles facing you.

You'll face prejudices and words of doom from your surrounding so meet them with a smile and let them be a part of your own learning experience. An intercultural relationship doesn't only affect the couple, but also everyone around them. If you have to meet comments, make sure to preach understanding and respect. After all, it's in our every day life that we can save the world from racism, injustice and biases so you might as well start with yourself and the people around you. Soon enough the words will spread:

The world is my country, all mankind are my brethren,
and to do good is my religion.
-Thomas Paine

Religous Provocation

God according to Leonard Nimoy

These last few years we have seen a scary trend spreading through the world: the religous provocation in the name of art and/or freedom of speech. I believe that both art and freedom of speech are necessary and important parts of any culture and should be respected. However, it should not be used for the sole purpose of upsetting people and violate another person's beliefs. In some cases, provocation is a positive thing, when used as a means to wake people up and get their attention to something important. But it is one thing to provoke by showing a picture of a starving near-to-death baby in Darfur to get people to react (and hopefully act), and another to show a satire cartoon version of the Prophet Muhammed - for whatever reason, when you know for a fact that every muslim on this planet will be offended and hurt.

It's easiest to bring up examples of religious provocations when it's about Islam, since that's what have cought the media's attention the most lately, but of course this is not a strict anti Islam method.

I believe that everyone has the right to say whatever is on their mind and everyone is entitled to their own opinions and beliefs, but it should never be at someone else's expense. Nothing we say or do should be at someone else's expense really. My wish is that people one day will realize that we all aren't that different from each other. We might practice our religions differently, but most of us believe in the same thing, not matter if we call it God, Allah, Universe, Balance or Gaia. It may sound very flower powery, but if there's one thing that I've learned throughout the few years that I've lived, it is that we're all made from the same material and we're all going to die. The best thing we can do before the end, is to do unto others as you would have others do unto you. It's all quite simple. I don't want you to offend me, so I won't offend you.

And if what I have said so far isn't enough of an argument, then at least think of this: When you choose to provoke, you may do it as one individual, but it will taint the reputation and opinion of the people around you. Just as a muslim suicide bomber gives all muslims a bad reputation, a Swedish artist who portraits Muhammed as a dog gives all Swedes (or non-muslims for that matter) a bad reputation. It creates conflicts that is so far beyond the original attempt to simply provoke. I have gathered a few stories, some bad and some not so bad. I'll leave you to judge which is what:

Religion according to me

- Italian-Canadian artist Cosimo Cavallaro created an anatomically correct chocolate statue of Jesus Christ that was supposed to be exhibited in New York during an Easter and was titled "My Sweet Lord". The exhibition was cancelled after Catholics threatened to kill the artist.

- Swedish artist Lars Vilks depicts Prophet Muhammed as a dog, causing protests and the arrest of an American woman in an alleged plot to kill Vilks. His head is now worth 150,000 USD.

- Russians Andrei Yerofeyev and Yuri Samodurov set up the "Forbidden Art" exhibition in Moscow, featuring a depicition of Jesus Christ with the head of Mickey Mouse among others. The show was condemned from the Russian Orthodox Church and the two men were fined.

- American photographer Andres Serrano created a scandal when he presented "Piss Christ", a photograph of a small plastic crucifix in a glass of the artist's urin. The piece won the Southeastern Center for Contemporary Art's "Awards in the Visual Arts" competition - a price which was accompanied by hate mails, death threats and lost grants due to controversy.

- Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten publishes a cartoon series of the Prophet Muhammed as a terrorist, causing the lives of over 30 people in massive protests all over the world. Libya closed its embassy in Copenhagen, Danish and Norwegian embassies were attacked abroad and Iran cut all trade links with Denmark as a protest. I got a call from the Swedish embassy, warning me to publicly say that I'm Swedish. I was at the time working for a small Danish NGO, that had to cover all logos. Our sister organization was shot at. Danish police found a bomb in Copenhagen last Friday, that they suspect was meant for the newspaper.

- Swedish photographer Elisabeth Ohlsson Wahlin presents the exhibition Ecce Homo, which constist of 12 photograpies with modern biblical motives. Her message of rights for homo- and bisexuals are clear in the pictures. The exhibition took place in Uppsala Cathedral, leading to a bomb threat to the church and that the pope at the time, Johannes Paulus II, cancelled a planned audience by the arch bishop K G Hammar.

- American pastor Terry Jones plans to burn the Koran on the anniversary of September 11th. Although cancelled a couple of days before the planned event, protests arise and groups around the states were inspired to do similar acts. In Afghanistan 10,000 people demonstrated and one store got burned to the ground.

- Dutch filmmaker Theo Van Gogh releases a fictional study of abused Muslim women, featuring scenes of almost naked women with texts from the Koran on their flesh. Van Gogh was killed in the street; shot several times and got his throat cut.

People according to me

- Swedish street artist Dan Park makes a pearl swastika and places it with a can with the label "Zyklon B" by the Jewish parish in Malmö. Zyklon B is the name of a gas that was used by the nazis during Worldwar II to gas Jews to death. Park calls the action "brutal humour", Swedish police called it "agitation against an ethnic group".

- British painter Chris Ofili's piece "The Holy Virgin Mary" was decorated with elephant dung and surrounded by a collage of female genitalia from porn magazines. It was shown during an exhibition in New York and was met with massive protests. A lawsuit was started to evict the museum, and a federal lawsuit was filed against the mayor for breach of the First Amendment.